Meeting The One is anything but a cakewalk when you’re busy climbing the corporate jungle gym, awakening your inner culinary goddess and trying to keep your shit together. If only you could download your future bae from the comfort of your couch...
Well, technically you can. Apps like Tinder and Bumble are supposed to make it easier to match, chat, and date people in your AO. But, if anything, it can feel like you’re paddling through the Great Pacific Garbage Patch with a makeshift raft and a broken oar.
But fear not lovelies! As your self-appointed captain I’m here to throw you a couple of lifesavers as you traverse the turbulent seas of online dating, whether for the first time or the one thousandth time. So grab a bottle of wine (yes, the whole bottle), sit back and let’s get swiping!
Here’s Bachelor Number One
Hello Gregory! Come hither so I may cover you in chocolate sauce and eat you up!
Greg looks good and sounds good. He even wrote a bio that suggests he has more than two brain cells bouncing around in his head. It’s almost too good to be true…?
Well he IS too good to be true. Lower your standards, chug your wine, and move along because you’re never going to match. He’s a bot designed to give you just enough hope to keep swiping.
Bachelor Number Two
Beware the Lion! He’s more fearful than he is fearsome. You’ll have a more interesting conversation with a mountain goat and at least you know that’s its real face.
If you enjoy being asked “how was your day?” and “what are you up to?” all day, every damn day, until the end of time then maybe Dean is The One.
Bachelor Number Three
But Billy, why are you so mad? Try to understand this is just a dating app. Also, do you need a therapist to deal with YOUR baggage? Because I have a great one I can refer you to. Ladies, this dude is going to gaslight you. AVOID. AVOID. AVOID!
Sidebar: All his profile pics were taken on the same day. And his facial expressions have about as much range as Kirsten Stewart’s acting in the Twilight series, but at least he has nice eyes?
Bachelor Number Four
This No Name Nelson is DTF. And with anyone it seems. No judgment if you’re looking for a FWB, but at least choose someone with a real first name and who isn’t handing out his number like he’s a leaflet distributor on the corner of William Nicol.
Unless you’re willing to put up with unsolicited dick pics, or have a throw down with the wife you didn’t know about, you know what to do.
Bachelor Number Five
Like, is this Nelson’s weird cousin once removed? Yonatan definitely has a foot fetish… among others :/ Unlike his cousin, at least he has the decency not to send you pics of his baby carrot. I hope.
Bachelor Number Six
Firstly, have you watched Indian Matchmaking on Netflix? No? Okay, don’t. Because it's cheese - the terrible kind that gives you indigestion.
Secondly, what?! Language barriers and “bobs” aside… Should the stars align, it seems like you and Faheem will both be living under mummy-ji’s sari skirts. No, thank you.
Bachelor Number Seven (and Eight?)
Piña colada’s are delish, BUT three’s a crowd and love triangles are no fun. Unless you’re high on MDMA and have nothing better to do with your time, being “the third” is not a recommended means to finding your person.
Bachelor Number No.
I mean... I just.... Maybe Benjamin can get you some MDMA, because you’re going to need drugs to deal with all of this *gestures vaguely*
And if you think Bumble is any better, think again. It’s just Tinder coated in honey. The only difference? Women make the first move and the jury is still out on that.
So with the lay of the online dating land being what it is, should we be running for the hills and resign ourselves to a life of kitty litter and being the ever-free babysitter?
Well, maybe not so fast. With the high demands of being a working professional, the convenience that on-demand dating apps offer may perhaps outweigh the trauma of rifling through the scratch patch of singles.
The always-on culture of being constantly connected to our mobile devices has more or less led to the extinction of romcom meet-cutes. Remember those days of not having enough change to pay for your coffee and then the delectably cute guy behind you pays for the shortfall? No? Ok, just me then? Well, let me tell you those days were brilliant. They’re also very much over.
These days, we plod along utterly oblivious to the human next to us nevermind the cutie in the shower gel aisle - I luckily had my phone safely stowed away in my back pocket and therefore enjoyed more than eyeful of this Adonis-like sighting before he moved over to the supplement aisle!
So with more and more people opting to rather spend their days staring at fluorescent screens, it seems like online dating apps have turned into a virtual pseudo watering hole whether or not we care to admit it.
As rare as witnessing a suicidal comet - this is when a comet spontaneously and randomly disintegrates like a melancholic drama queen - there are times when you somehow strike gold and hook a hottie who isn’t dead set on being the poster boy for perpetuating the online dating hook-up culture.
The secret swiping strategy? To be honest, I don’t think there is one. It just sort of happens. Somehow amidst all the ratchet and wretchedness, a genuine connection is made and you’re able to find another human who makes your heart race. And not in the is-this-serial-killer-behaviour way. I mean in a good way.
A sprinkle of cyber fairy dust and you somehow magically find someone who sees the world the same way you do. Someone who finds your child-like playfulness endearing instead of juvenile. Someone who listens with their heart and loves you back with their entire soul. Someone who wants to be your Wonderwall.
Now all you have to do is buy a ticket to the circus and try your level best to not to click your heels three times before the opening clown act ends. Sounds like a tall order with three-headed beasts (Disco and Tango) and runaway trapeze artists (Banged Up Benjamin) on the prowl, but perhaps the possibility of love may just be worth it?
Disclaimer: Personal information has been changed to protect identities, but these are all very REAL types of profiles you might come across.
Also: I co-authored this one with Trishy which was hella fun. Always a good time sharing your hobbies with BFFs :)
Also also: This is honestly a fascinating topic for me so if you've got the time to humour me, I'd love some feedback on your experience with online dating. I may or may not make cute pie charts.